Photo taken by me.
My dear diary, you brought my to my knees.
Life is full of hardships. They will never end. Even death is a wholesome of hardship.
I hate the fact that life has been unjust for me. well, for most of us. Those who are unfortunate. Others, the least fortunate. And those who never had a small light at the end of their tunnel.
I hate the fact that; life was never fair for me. The only thing that I am grateful for is my talents and being smart. Adding some family members and some friends.
As a matter of fact, I broke up with my most beloved friend that I ever had. I wish it could not be him. I wish I could do more or less, to just stay around him.
Lastly, the army service that will bring me to my knees. The cruelness and humiliation I am going to encounter. It all leaves me helpless and hopeless. I am not the first or the last who suffers from mental illnesses and join the army.
Some made it safely, and I believe others left with a broken spirit. Not to mention their life challenges, their socio-economic situation and their level of education.
It is such a shame that someone have to be rude, ruthless, hard, and hollow. They bury their own wounds, and shoot their insecurities all around. Yes, several army's soldiers, with their different hariarchy of power. You cannot be soft there. It is for your own safety. Act tough. That is the male "ancient factory" units. Only in that land, you can learn how to be a "man" or "manly enough". That is their school of life. They teach you nothing, but good manners. As if harshness, fear, and anxiety; are the only instructions. As if it is the only way to learn something. As if, it is the only phase or stage of life to learn a desirable skill or whatsoever.
I do not believe that I can even survive. For my own sake, for those who love me, and surely for my own dreams. To be honest, I do not want to survive. I do not want to be abused. Who wants that? I wish I could be as strong as those who achieve and be their most authentic selves. But I am not. And i do not think that I will ever be.
And that is fine. I am okay with it.
